releasing emotional tension

I believe I am writing here to help release some pent up emotions . Writing can be cathartic I have heard that statement more then once in the past few weeks . It is true .
It has been 2 weeks of waiting and trying to keep busy so that my mind is not consumed with all the possible outcomes of my upcoming surgery . One week to go ... it hasn't been easy thinking about the unknown and what the new year will bring . I am trying to keep positive and listening to all my friends and family who say you can do this and I am strong ect... My response is always I can do it and I am strong and will get through it just have to take it one thing at a time . Then I have my very low points when everything seemed to be overwhelming and tears flow again without warning . "Give yourself a break your human" a cousin wrote to me this week . She is right about that and I suppose when facing an illness like this all emotions are going to appear suddenly and without warning . I have my cry and let go for as long as it last . I realize now its OK to do that once in awhile .

Pre-Admission

Was at the hospital today for a pre-admission clinic . It all went very smooth . Blood work , ecg ,examined by the internal medicine doctor (she was very nice ) in a couple of hours Kev and I were heading home just a little snag with the parking lol but all was good .
Two phone calls when I get home one for my appointment time for my Sentinel mapping that will be done the day before surgery nov29th . They will be injecting a dye and then I will go for ex rays a few hours later. This mapping will aide the surgeon in locating the the Sentinel node , he will remove 1-3 nodes during surgery and test while I am under to check if cancer cells are present. I am hoping this comes back negative as this is the first place cancer cell go and if there is no sign of cancer here then it is likely the cancer hasn't spread beyond the breast . They will also be removing a 2 and a half cm tumor and a boundary of tissue surrounding it.
I am not one to excessively worry , my philosophy is not to waste brain space on something that isn't a fact yet and deal with it when the time comes . I am keeping positive that the cancer is not in the nodes and is stage 1 or 2.  I realize if they are found in the nodes my cancer stage could be  3 or 4 ..
I am going in with the mind set that that it is at the early stage and I will have the minimal of treatment .
The second call was from my nurse navigator . She is there for support and answer any questions or concerns . She did inform me the night of surgery I will be staying overnight and it will be right there on the ward ..not to thrilled about that as its not a room or semi private room its going to be like staying over night in emerge lots of curtains and activity.... oh well maybe I'll get lucky and be well enough to be sent home that day ( positive thoughts)

mixed emotions

It was a hard week . I felt a sadness deep inside . The tears would just seem to fall without warning and hard to control . I am not used to not being able to control my emotions .
I would try to analyze  why I was feeling so sad, trying to pinpoint the the exact cause . Was it because Kevin wasn't here ? Was it the fact that I was dealing with the fact that I had to face the journey of being sick and debilitated . Wondering still how long will cancer be in control of my body . I suppose it was all of the above .
On a positive note the week ended very well . I hosted a girls night at the house on Friday night . A wonderful group of ladies arrived we had appies and martinis . We shared allot of laughs and a few tears , at one point they all gathered around me in a group hug and said a special prayer of healing . I am not much into religion but it felt good to feel the positive energy from all these beautiful ladies .
Kevin came home Saturday afternoon and I felt an inner peace inside the moment I seen his smile coming down the stairs at the airport . The connection we have just gives me a feeling of well being and I know I will be ok .

Surgery in 3 weeks

Its been a roller coaster of emotions . I figure myself to be a pretty strong woman and have had to deal with crones disease in the past . Was feeling good and been in remission from that for about 10 years just the odd small flare up. Its been a hard week to say the least. Kevin just happen to book this time months ago to spend time with his family in Ontario and I was suppose to be up north working . That's not where I am . I am  here trying to take all this new development in (the monster) still wondering how bad it is and how long will it knock me down for ?  I am grateful for everyone in my life I am fortunate to have Kevin by my side , to have a huge family support as well as many great friends ! I know I will be leaning on a few of them  Alicia , ma , Cherylx2 , lori, Sean &Tanya....too many to list.
I also know that I will do everything in my power to become a breast cancer survivor and the sooner the better .

Accepting , Educating and Informing

I held up pretty good in the Dr's office . When I seen Kevin it all sunk in "its cancer" and emotions were high.    The hardest phone call was to my 25 year old daughter Alicia , Throughout all this she was one of the few people who knew about what was going on.. the test and waiting for the results it was not easy for her to hear mom has cancer . More phone calls to make to family and some friends , informing work of the situation that I would have to take a medical leave , this is all so overwelming and still sooo hard to believe it was all happening to me .
I wait a week to see my surgeon , He seems to be very nice and informative . At the breast health center a team of health care professionals were there to inform me and support me in all areas.  Cheryl my (bff) was there by my side she sat through the discussion with my surgeon ...We had discussed my options between full removal of my left breast or partial ....I must say the decision for me was a no brainer conseve the boob .
I have done some research on the pros and cons and its my feeling that removing all my breast parts on my left side does not guantee the cancer not returning . I do realize that there is a chance of reoccurence no matter what surgury I choose I will cross that bridge if it comes along.
We leave and I am in tow with a black book bag they gave me full of pamplets, information on my upcoming surgery , ect... I will be getting a call today when it will take place it will be apox 2 weeks.

The results are in

Eight days of waiting for the call , wondering and worrying . In the beginning things were moving fast now its all at a snail pace , trying to keep positive that the news will be good but in the back of my mind knowing words the radioligist spoke" highly suspicious mass" was not good . I go in the little room awaiting the doctor to return thinking I will hear the words benign mass . This would not be the case , it is invasive breast adenocarcinoma ductal type , The doctor is speaking to me very soft toned and explaining what he can like its contained in the duct and no signs of it in the lymph nodes . It appears to be in the early stages ect ...
My mind is in a blurrr I speak very little and just want to leave that room and wrap my arms around Kevin who is waiting for me outside .

The lump

Not sure what I am doing here (blogging ) but I figure I am going to have sometime at home without having to work . I found a lump in my left breast end of sept. I work in a remote camp in the artic and was about to leave in a few days for my routine flights to work ,found the lump showering and figured I would still make the trip to work and in 3 weeks time I would deal with it when I got back home . Honestly I figured I would have my routine cycle and the thing would just dissapear . No such luck , returned home from up north and decided I'd better go get this thing checked as I was only home for 3 weeks as I work away 3 weeks and home 3 weeks . Doctors on tues , mammogram and ultra sound wed , biopsy on thurs. wow things are moving fast but I guess that is a good thing when dealing with the possiblity of a monster growing inside you ...that's what i've been calling it the monster ,