Results can be scary

First of all I Quit smoking Yeah ME!!!!! its been about 2 months and I feel great . I had my appointment with oncologist and received the results of scans. The CT scan showed a spot on my lung but it is very small .They will be doing another scan in a few months. I can let my thoughts go all over the place but that is not healthy. I had a few cries and got it out of my system and now its forward on with life!! I have a wedding to look forward to in July and I am focusing on all the planning ...I have also started the Thrive program, had my assessment and they put together an exercise program to suit me. It doesn't seem like a lot to do but I tend to do to much then end up in pain for a week so that is the whole idea of starting slow and building up my fitness level:)))))

Mammagram

Today I had a mammogram . I was worried about the pain level as I am still pretty tender after fighting infection in Dec. The scan went well and the tech was very nice, Kevin and I were out of there in less then an hour. I have a bone scan on Thursday and ct in a few weeks .
Its hard not to think of all possible outcomes of these test and part of me goes to that dark place where that monster once was , I refuse to stay in that place too long so I push and redirect my thoughts to a more positive and happy place . Its not always easy to do, I'm trying to get use to the new normal but haven't quite figured out what that is!?
The best thing that works for me is taking one day at a time . I wake up and try to better improve my life on some level .It may be physical or mental or some time its both but I know each small step is a step closer to feeling some sort of new normal that will work for me :) .

Still riding the wave but now it all about getting healthy!!!!!!

To make it quick...Adkins works well but will not be a life style change that will work for me ...I did manage to lose about 20 lb. I then needed more carbs ..I realize its still about a low carb diet but needed to tweak it and add more healthy carbs and have a day in the week to cheat also cut back on portion size...  The health plan im working on now is to work on getting strength  back in my body, I have to work on walking I have to go to curves I have to do my exercises that work for for my injured side  for physiotherapy reasons. I am also trying to quit smoking next I will be trying a nicotine spray..they were sold out at walmart... keep you all posted.
I received my appointments for my mamagram and bone scane the first week of march.....love and health

Just want to feel normal

I have many things to be greatful for the list is very long and I make a point of thinking about it everyday..Im done treatment well the stuff I needed to go to cc for but Im still feeling not only physical but also mental not normal..I know that everyday is a better one and closer to me heeling in all ways to completly get over cancer...I keep the fight going by staying positive and pushing myself to go out and live life but beleive me its not alway easy.Somedays are hard when you look in the mirror ,this may seem very vain but really its nothing to do with that .Its more to do with looking not normal you have the cancer look.I hate having it after 10 months of fighting sometimes it just would go out of my brain for just one day........

Radiation

Its been a long time since I wrote here . I think between the physical pain and bouts of depression I just wasn't up for writing . I have finished chemo and have had 10 rounds of radiation . I feel some of my strength has come back . Radiation treatments are a daily trip to the cancer centre . The whole process only takes about 20 mins. I am utilising the volunteer cancer drivers ,its a great program and have met some very good people , I am very grateful to be able to benefit from the program .
Things are going well so far I am over half way done and fatigue has not gotten any worse. I am feeling some aches around affected areas. They give you a cream to put on and I am using it quite liberally.
My hair is starting to grow but its like a new baby's hair . I am sooo longing to have my hair back .
I have been overweight for the past 20 years and put more weight on during this whole treatment between chemo meds, steroids ,and depression I have been watching the scale go up . During chemo I didn't want to deal with it but now I am in a place where I feel I am ready to get my body in shape. I started the Adkins diet (low carb /high protein ) I feel it is a good fit for me and the added protein should help with all the tissue damage. I am also going to be starting a program designed for people going through the cancer  process. It will consist of a personal trainer to help with targeted physical therapy. Going through all the treatments for cancer to survive and live longer it just makes sense to me to start treating my body better .Its been a week of very little carbs but |I feel good and not having any major cravings for bread, pasta ,sugar etc.. and for once the scale has gone down ...7 lbs whoo hoo  it feels good .

Docetaxel..round 1

Had my first dose of Docetaxel on June 8th . The first 3 days were good I was even going for an half hour walk but then all hell broke loose . The next week was dealing with a whole lot of side effects from stomach problems to severe bone pain and mouth sores .. I was in contact with oncologist and meds were prescribed to lesson effects . Then I started to spike temps and lymph node on neck began to swell up trip to emerge and was told it was viral and not much to do for it just had to watch temp .
I've overcome from most of the side effects . I am finding my energy level is getting low. I haven't been writing much as I have been having issues with my right wrist .

May 28th , at the cancer centre today to get blood work and trial drug injection .. They have decided to reduce my chemo dose by 15% due to extreme side effects . My blood came back and red blood count is really low , this is the reason I've been tired and headache she suggested to eat some liver lol .
They will continue with chemo tomorrow as my white count is good .


Had treatment today it went well although there was allot of anxiety going in,  my heart rate was up .Good job for adivan it calmed me down . On antibiotic for the next week as I started to get infection around picc line site .

One more round to go!!!!!!!! can't wait for this to be over and feel normal again or at least somewhat .

Round 3/ Ugh!

Blood work went good on Monday and then Tuesday they inserted a picc (a catheter that goes in my vein ) It all went smoothly and the health care team were pretty awesome it was pretty much painless,
having this put in meant my chemo went a lot easier as far as injection and damage to my skin, veins and arms . It will be left in my arm for the duration of my chemo treatments . I can't lift more then 5 lbs and have a nurse come in once a week for dressing change and flushing . It is all worth it in the end .
Treatment day was ok felt some extreme nausea as it was being administered but other then that energy and spirits were up for a few days I suspect the increase in steroids and anti nausea meds have helped .
Day 5 and things are going down hill fast.  2 days of extreme nausea , mouth and throat changes . It feels like razor blades all throughout my tongue and throat . Times like this I feel like giving up but I push myself to get out of bed and ride the wave , as I know once again It will not last forever and it will pass. I had a good idea that this round would be a tough one as its the last dose of the  "red stuff" I will have a 4 week break this time . I am at the half way mark !!! 3 more rounds to go and I will be soooo glad when this is all behind me .

Hate Is A Strong Word

Hate is such a strong word not usual for my vocabulary but I Hate Cancer!!!!. This post is not going to be a pleasant one and it may be a bit of a rant .

Cancer, beware of its evil ways as you go about your life complaining about the mundane and trivial events , cancer is lurking around you . It will not grab hold of you at first its other people in your life a friend of a friend , a co-workers aunt , an uncle twice removed . You hear different stories everyday on the news ect. but your life its not touching ? but just just wait for it it will happen , it will come in on you on top of your life no warning (or very little) and like a great big ugly explosion it will pounce .
I hate cancer because of many reasons . It has no mercy and no age limit , cancer will strike anyone at anytime . It has shorten the life of too many people . The treatments have come along way but are still barbaric.... Slash , poison and burn . I hate cancer for all the suffering from the person with the disease and the people who love them and care for them . I just Hate it!!!!

Now that I got that out of my system I need to say Cancer can have positive effects on our life .
It can make us realise our mortality and bring us closer to what is really important in life , Sometimes we can get lost in our busy lives.  Really  most of us take for granted how important it is to go out of your way for someone important in your life . I mean we say to ourselves " I don't feel like going there for a visit " but in reality YOU should .  If anything that's good that comes out of death and illness its you appreciate the time you have left in your life . As we all know we are not on this earth forever.What I am trying to say is make more time for people, go to that dinner party , walk in the park or visit a sick person in the hospital or seniors building . Make your time count here , push your love ones to get regular checkups as early detection is life or death .

Them Little Hairs/Round 2

About a week ago , I felt I was in a strong frame of mind and decided I was ready to shave my head.
I had a few great friends over had some drinks and laughs and yes some tears . Overall it went really well and It was the best decision .The past few days the little bit of hair remaining on my head turned into a thousand needles it was so awful the hair was pretty much dead and just a small tug and it was falling out .. Kevin's dad had came to this point when he was going through chemo and he decided to uses duck tape to lift the hairs that were about to fall out . I decided to try this as I was at the end of my rope it was painful. I couldn't lay my head down as it felt like I was lying on a porcupine and a million quills were sticking in me .The duct tape worked well (And Yet Another use ) It was some what disgusting and I know look like a skinned cat but I felt relieved and was better to sleep .
Round 2 chemo appointment time 230 . The situation across Canada re iv anti drugs ect are not available , as a results just more pills to take prior . The nurses at the cancer centre are awesome they had their patience tested with me today in the end they had to do 3 iv sites from the troubles working with a caustic substance the red cool aid . 3 and a half hours later I was done . It took much longer to administrate then normal a port will be requested to solve these issues .
I felt like crap last night and took meds and was prob asleep by 8 slept well  ...Very nauseated at the moment Going to try to do a little moving and stretching... laying around is not good .

Tips for women newly diagnoised with breast cancer

I am almost half way through my total treatment time, and I Have gained a wealth of knowledge . I believe it is power . It had helped me prepare for each leg of my journey . The following is a list of some tips that have helped me prepare .
  **Learn everything about your disease . You can do it at your own pace but when you are diagnosed everything moves quite fast and it helps to be prepared . When you get together with your health care team ,you will receive a lot of pamphlets on everything . Take the time to read as later it will be mandatory to go to a chemo class and everything is disused there.
**Get your self a day timer or book , there will be many people phoning you about appointments and what not .Its good to have to jot down any questions you may have to your surgeon or oncologist.
**Keeping my mind busy has helped throughout this as well as keeping my body relaxed . I bought puzzles, games , books , there is going to be some down time through surgeries, chemo and radiation.
I bought a how to belly dance for fitness ,even got a bunch of hip scarves to make it fun . I find these videos really good at relaxing the body . You will need to do specific exercises after surgery and this video is very comparable to what is needed to prevent frozen shoulder for example.
**Lean on someone , you will feel better if you are open and have someone in your life to release all the fears and emotions.
** Prepare for side effects, breast cancer is merciless to a woman's body first you will more then likely have surgery ,depending on your cancer or your choice you will have a piece or your whole breast remove . You can't deal with with all aspects of your disfigured body until you are through treatment which will depend on individual cases but in the meantime , Get yourself a comfortable bra ,front closer and one that has lots of support like a sports bra, I like to wear a lot of tank tops that are cotton for sleeping and just around the house. You maybe going home with a tube under your arm for a week, if there is lymph node involvement. 
** Drink water, put healthy foods in your body , and try to get your rest. I had to take sleeping pills .At least I know I will get 4 hours.
**Prepare for hair loss, not all chemo will have that effect but your oncologist will inform you.
My hair was half way down my back and as soon as I was diagnosed I cut it to my shoulder , then a week before chemo cut it short . I went shopping with family members and pick up a cheap wig , scarves and hats . It made me feel better knowing I had something to wear on my head . It was good to include loved ones as it helps them to prepare for your new look . A week after I started chemo I arranged for a few friends to come over I picked up a few wigs and shaved my head ,We had fun with the different looks . I also registered for a look good feel good program I will be attending this tonight with my bff Cheryl
**Stay positive! Its normal to have bouts of depression but there is always a light through out any hard time in your life . I see that this is not my life... its just a year in it ! It will bring me closer to loved ones and make me yet a stronger woman .
** make sure before you start chemo you have some easy foods at home to eat , Jello's Popsicles,soup, crackers ,ginger ale , hard mints ,yogurt, cheese, fruit and eggs.
There are more tips to come just a few for now . Hope this helps someone out there in their journey.

Full on ugly cry

I woke up yesterday and my daughter had this posted on facebook . It was the first time I had heard this song . Its amazing how much I could relate to the words . The emotions started pouring some sadness and some just feeling all the love my daughter was sending me through the use of this video , I love you more then words can say Alicia and I know with you standing by my side  and lovin me through it all makes my journey an easier road to travel .

That above was an example of a full on ugly cry. From the beginning of all this there has been a few and I'm sure more to come . The day before I was to start chemo was probable the hardest day for me to control my emotions . I had broke down pretty bad that afternoon , sobbing uncontrollable , anticipating what was about to happen . Poor Kevin wrapped his arms around me again in love and support ,It was a longer cry then usual went to get a shower to try to compose myself but the tears were like an endless faucet . I think now looking back it was just everything coming to a head months of dealing with surgeries and now finally the treatment will begin . In a way it hit home "you are sick " and still there was a little relieve that finally the treatment will begin and such it will end .

Its day 5 since they first administered  chemo treatment ....Its been going well ,from getting the medicine at the cancer treatment to dealing with side affects . The medication for the most part is working on dealing with the overwhelming feelings of nausea . day 2 had a flush face that looked liked I had a sunburn but subsided over the next few days , night sweats and other hormonal changes I've been noticing .I get bouts of energy and take advantage of theses moment by doing housework , cooking and doing my belly dancing routine .. then there are moments of tiredness and just a feeling of weakness . Overall the fist week has been good . I've been up  since 2 am and now have a bout of insomnia but doing ok . I do have tons of thoughts that constantly take up space in my head and most are cancer related sometimes I am around people and trying to be in the moment but in my world my head is pumping out thoughts about everything pertaining to my cancer . The one thing that has been on my mind is my up and coming hair lose . I know "its only hair" , "it will grow back" , "there are lots of wigs,hat and scarves" ....I hear this from so many people and I say it to myself at times but the bottom line is NO WOMAN wants to loose her hair and it just plain sucks!!!!!! no matter how positive everyone tries to be "its going to be and is! a great big wave that I must get through ." I know in hindsight I will be fine with it eventually but I also know its going to be one hard moment to deal with . They tell me about day 14 I will start to loose clumps .I want to shave my head before this as I feel it would be harder to deal with . I figure I have about less then a week to shave my head It will be traumatic for me in the beginning but I do realise its a small price to pay for a possible cure .

Riding the waves

The days until I start my first chemo treatment are down to 2 . I start on Monday feb.27th this date was pushed up 3 days not sure why but I just go with the flow . The date now is actually on my diseased oldest brother's birthday , we lost Gary in a sudden and tragic illness/accident . I think about him often especially since being diagnosed with this life threatening disease. I think of him  in a better place watching over me and know he too  by my side giving me hope and strength to fight and overcome this monster inside .
I went to the cancer centre for a chemo class . There were about 30 other people in attendance , all walks of life , men and women all there for the same reason about to be treated for various cancers. Most had some family support and some were alone . I as usual had Kevin there with me  ,there is not a day that goes by I thank God for Kevin he is such a great support for me . The class itself was a review of all the information I had already received in many pamplets , books ect that they give to you when first starting this journey ..Kevin's sense of humour was as active as ever and helped me get through all the explanations about the waves I was about to ride in this journey . Its some serious stuff and could be very emotionally draining . When I looked around at other people I did noticed that a few people were overcome and were having a hard time with the whole process . I did ok through it all in part because I have gained a wealth of knowledge about my disease and treatments before this class so there were really no suprises for me and of course Kevin kept me giggling at times with his insane sense of humour . At the end of the lecture we did a tour of the chemo place where they will be administrating my treatment  , there were about 30 people getting  treatments , lots of RN's in blue gowns .There was also a good size waiting room where another 15 people sat and waited for their treatment . I was approched by a healthteam professional ,   she proceeded to give me a booklet to overlook over the weekend . I was asked to take part in a Randomize, Double blinded placebo-controlled study as a treatment for women with early stage breast cancer with high risk for recurrence I was already informed I was going to be asked when I first met with my oncologist a few weeks back . It is up to me if I choose to do this I have the weekend to make my final decision . I have already read all the information givin.
I 've been up since about 330 am ,the mind was wondering about and sometimes it goes to pretty dark places but I am pretty good at snapping it back to happier thoughts. I find however when my head is active with thoughts there is no real way of silencing it so I got up started to check online for some stuff for my wedding , Its a happy time for me and Kevin underneath all the cancer stuff . Riding the waves is what this journey is all about I realise there will be big ones ,small ones ,  rough and smooth ones . In the end I beleive they will take me to the place I am meant to be .

Treatment/oncologist

A phone call from the cancer clinic was a bit hard for me . They were calling to set up  an appointment with the oncologist . I think it just brought home the fact Of my illness . I met the oncologist and other team members , Kevin and Alicia were there every step as I was examined ,questioned and then informed of recommended treatment for my cancer. I will be having 6 rounds over 5 months of chemo , rest, 6 weeks of radiation and 5 years of hormone treatment . I feet very comfortable with the doctors and nurse . I try and just deal with things a day at a time or at least one aspect of the treatment and or side affects ... I feel for me I need to be informed and educate myself along the way , they say knowledge is power and I am a firm believer. I also need to be proactive like I will decide when to shave my head before its affected by chemo drugs .
I've had a bone scan and chest ex ray ,there is a spot on my sterun and I will be having a chest abdomen and pelvic ct also I had blood work and a mugga scan ( this is a scan that will give them a base line on how my heart is working at pumping blood ect as the chemo affects the heart it is a standard test to have before chemo..
At this time I am feeling almost normal .I do have allot of tenderness and pain still in surgical site and other aches compounded by inactivity and lying only on my right side and back while sleeping . My energy level is improved and now I am able to do laundry and other chores .I feel its important for me to start getting more physical and to push myself in to a daily routine of exercise . I did purchase a dvds on how to belly dance and so far its going to be a very useful tool ...it starts out slow with a lot of relaxing stretching exercises a lot like the ones recommend to me after having lymph nodes out. I also got the nice hip scarfs to make it fun . My plan is to get the routine down and then invite my friends to come over and try it.....
Chemo starts feb 24th so I have about 2 weeks to enjoy being somewhat healthy . I have been dealing with another monster as well its nicotine !!! Wow this is truly a powerful addiction . I bought the electric smoke  but i pretty much want no part of it prob because it contains no nicotine , I have also been reading Allen Carr's book to help mentally quit.. not finished the book yet but still smoking but I am starting to  evaluate and question every smoke i put in my body hopefully in the near future I will be done Of that evil monster.
Alicia was here 3 weeks I am soooo blessed to have such an amazing , mature , beautiful ,sensitive daughter . She has helped me in ways she will never know . It is very hard to say good bye to her when she leaves there are a lot of tears more so from her as I take after ma and hold allot in ...but I know she will be there everyday by my side :))))

Another surgery and pathology

Its been a rough start for the new year  with fighting an infection . I must say what ever they did in emerge did help the pain level , having a nurse stuff me with a dressing every other day was not so pleasant . The thought that my breast had an incision that was wide open was not an easy thing to deal with . I felt very vulnerable , was uneasy about doing anything . It was great news that my daughter was coming back to spend some with me to help me get through another surgery. She arrived the day before my surgery .. I felt more uneasy going in to this one not sure why maybe I just new what pain was ahead coming out . The surgery went well and I was able to go home and not spend the night .
The swelling was not as bad at first so I could really see the difference between the affected breast and the healthy one . The one that they took the cancerous tumour and tissue was looking a lot smaller and perkier then my right breast . Although there will be a definite difference I am feeling soo lucky just to have a breast on the left side and will deal  with the imperfections and scars.
The pathology came in just 10 days this time and I was glad to get the results what ever they may be as not knowing tends to get the mind wondering all sorts of things ....like will I have to go back and get my breast removed?  Luckily  results were good this time and margins were clear well as clear as a surgeon can get them . There is still a spot he cannot get at with in stiu cancer .....
My daughter is still here almost 2 weeks after my surgery . I am soo lucky to have her here . Kevin is awesome as usual but he does have to work .. The time for me is very long as I am basically in the house recovering ... can't go anywhere as I was weak and I am on antibiotics for 3 weeks as a preventive measure . Wasn't well enough to type or go on line but things are improving every day .
We pass our time with tv, monopoly and have a puzzle going but haven't done much with that because of pain issues .I think that is the worse part of the disease process . To be at home day in and out not being able to do to much as far as being physical ..The cancer centre will be calling within 2 weeks and I will start my next stage of treatments ...I am just going to enjoy the next few weeks
Going to go out for a bit tonight and take Alicia for wings and maybe a glass of wine whooo hooo

Happy News and a Setback

I want to start out on a positive happy note. On Christmas day Kevin and I went to Lake Louise to spend Christmas . Kevin took me up the gondola and a short hike got down on his knees and ask me to marry him I said YES....I feel so lucky that he is in my life !!! I was feeling a bit unwell fighting a fever for 3 days thinking I had caught a bug but it went away and felt well enough to get away with Kevin for the night . We enjoyed the day a lot, another couple was there to share in our good news .
I was feeling tired, sore and and my breast started to get red and felt hot to touch on the 29th of dec. decided to get the doctor to look at it he prescribed me antibiotics and told me if it got worse to go to emerge . On new years day eve at 2pm we decide I was not getting better and went to emerge .
It was not looking good . In short I had to have a surgeon come down open me up and re move infection .
I seen my own surgeon today and now my surgery to remove the rest of the cancer is delayed for at least a month . I am getting home care to have nurses clean and change my dressing .
It is a setback in my time line but theses things happen and not much I can do just hoping all heals well and then get the surgery over .

Surgical Pathology Report

Kevin and I met with my surgeon yesterday , my report was finally in . It was a 19 day wait for this one.

There are many details involved with the 4 page report but I will just write about the most important and what they mean as far as treatment.
I was prepared for receiving this report and knew the things that I wanted to know . To begin with I needed to have a clean margin . This was not the case my report showed a 1.5 mm margin . From what I gather invasive cancer is within 1.5mm of healthy tissue and the standard is 2mm .What does this all mean for me ? It means more surgery . There was also another area closer to the chest wall that fell below the margin , this area is inoperable therefore I will be needing Chemo . They removed a total of 22 lymph nodes and 2 were found to have cancer . My er/pr analysis was positive , this was a good thing . It means my cancer is growing as a response to my hormones and I will have another treatment option .
I will talk more on my feelings about chemo and hormone drugs when I'm closer to dealing with those treatments . When discussing my options once again with my surgeon I choose  to conserve the breast . I have faith in my surgeon and medical team I will be monitored closely and would still need chemo if I choose to have the breast removed . I am scheduled for surgery Jan 9th .

Its been a rough time for me and Kevin . Kevin's dad lost his battle with cancer on Friday . He was such a handsome and brave man . He has inspired me in my fight against this stupid disease.

Regular Fitness Schedules Increase the Quality of Life in Cancer Patients

I recently connected with a man who would like to post as a guest . He has put together the following post . As I ponder on my health , body and mind I realise the importance of changes I must make . I believe there is a connection and could only benefit my prognosis.

Regular Fitness Schedules Increase the Quality of Life in Cancer Patients

Exercise for cancer patients is highly recommended by personal doctors and oncologists of countless people who are going through cancer treatments. Radiation, surgery, and chemotherapy have a way of depleting the body of its natural energy source. Metabolisms often slow down and natural endorphins decrease as a person feels physically under stress from intensive cancer treatments. Exercise can help to produce endorphins and increase the metabolism levels in people who are currently going through cancer treatments, as well as in people who are in remission. The National Cancer Institute
http://www.cancer.gov/explores in-depth the benefits of exercise for cancer patients and survivors. Exercise helps to balance the energy in a person fighting or recovering from cancer and can be an excellent way for a doctor http://www.mesothelioma.com/treatment/doctors/ to monitor physical and emotional improvements in a patient. Long-term benefits can result from a cancer patient investing half an hour every other day in mild to moderate exercises. Diversifying the exercises to keep them interesting will provide the person with motivation and inspiration needed to stick to a consistent weekly exercise schedule. Light walking, jogging, yoga, swimming, water aerobics, and mild hiking can greatly improve a person’s spirits, increase physical strength, and provide much-needed energy to the patient. Some physicians also believe that exercise can help to reduce the side effects of cancer treatments in cancers such as http://www.mesothelioma.com/mesothelioma/ other organ-affecting cancers. Cancer patients who have support groups have the benefit of exercise partners and people to encourage them to continue to make progress in developing more energy in their bodies through exercising on a routine basis. Mild and moderate forms of exercise can provide more confidence and can increase physical stamina that is typically sapped away by various cancer treatments. People who have gone through surgeries for cancer often discover that a routine form of exercise helps them to recover. Consistent exercise also increases the blood circulation and provides the heart with a relief from the stress that it endures during the process of various treatments. Recovering from cancer can be more than just a challenge; it can seem like an impossible feat. However, when physical moderate activities are incorporated into a weekly routine, cancer survivors are able to gain strength and endurance to continue their path of recovery and remission.
Davis Haas

Surgery and Recovering

Its been a few weeks since I've wrote . My mom and daughter arrived a few days before my surgery. My surgery went well other then they found cancer in the lymph nodes and I had to have a axillary dissection as well as getting the lump and some surrounding tissue removed.
When I awoke in the recovering room It was not good The pain level was far beyond what I was expecting . After a short while and quite a bit of morphine I was ready to be brought back to my room . I realised pretty quick that I had a drainage tube under my arm and this told me that they did the lymph nodes.
It was not the news I was hoping for but at least the surgery was behind me and now it was time for recovering and treatment. I spent the night in the hospital said good bye to Kevin and family they had been at the hospital all day and the day before and It was not an easy few days.
I have spent the last 2 weeks at home being spoiled and looked after by Kevin my daughter and mother . I had a Jackson pratt drainage tube in that I looked after .I had to drain and record measurements. I was very anxious to get this tube remove as it was just plain uncomfortable , after fluid levels reached a certain level I was able to get it removed and I feel a lot better.
Kevin had to go again to Ontario, his father is not doing well he has been fighting osteosarcoma,for the past few years and now it has spread for the second time to his lung . He is nearing the end of his battle and he has fought hard . Kevin is with his father and family as they recently moved him in to hospice care.
To say the least there is a lot to deal with, I miss Kevin sooo much now that ma and Alicia are back home on the east coast they flew home last night . They wanted to stay but I told them I was recovering well.  I have been doing physio exercises as soon as I was able and have almost full range of motion back in my left arm  and have a lot of friends for support to get me through till Kevin gets back .They will want to return after xmas for when I start my treatment .
I am now waiting for my results from pathology .I expect to hear from my surgeon in a few days on my stage and course of treatment .

releasing emotional tension

I believe I am writing here to help release some pent up emotions . Writing can be cathartic I have heard that statement more then once in the past few weeks . It is true .
It has been 2 weeks of waiting and trying to keep busy so that my mind is not consumed with all the possible outcomes of my upcoming surgery . One week to go ... it hasn't been easy thinking about the unknown and what the new year will bring . I am trying to keep positive and listening to all my friends and family who say you can do this and I am strong ect... My response is always I can do it and I am strong and will get through it just have to take it one thing at a time . Then I have my very low points when everything seemed to be overwhelming and tears flow again without warning . "Give yourself a break your human" a cousin wrote to me this week . She is right about that and I suppose when facing an illness like this all emotions are going to appear suddenly and without warning . I have my cry and let go for as long as it last . I realize now its OK to do that once in awhile .

Pre-Admission

Was at the hospital today for a pre-admission clinic . It all went very smooth . Blood work , ecg ,examined by the internal medicine doctor (she was very nice ) in a couple of hours Kev and I were heading home just a little snag with the parking lol but all was good .
Two phone calls when I get home one for my appointment time for my Sentinel mapping that will be done the day before surgery nov29th . They will be injecting a dye and then I will go for ex rays a few hours later. This mapping will aide the surgeon in locating the the Sentinel node , he will remove 1-3 nodes during surgery and test while I am under to check if cancer cells are present. I am hoping this comes back negative as this is the first place cancer cell go and if there is no sign of cancer here then it is likely the cancer hasn't spread beyond the breast . They will also be removing a 2 and a half cm tumor and a boundary of tissue surrounding it.
I am not one to excessively worry , my philosophy is not to waste brain space on something that isn't a fact yet and deal with it when the time comes . I am keeping positive that the cancer is not in the nodes and is stage 1 or 2.  I realize if they are found in the nodes my cancer stage could be  3 or 4 ..
I am going in with the mind set that that it is at the early stage and I will have the minimal of treatment .
The second call was from my nurse navigator . She is there for support and answer any questions or concerns . She did inform me the night of surgery I will be staying overnight and it will be right there on the ward ..not to thrilled about that as its not a room or semi private room its going to be like staying over night in emerge lots of curtains and activity.... oh well maybe I'll get lucky and be well enough to be sent home that day ( positive thoughts)